I always wanted a grandfather. My maternal grandfather passed when my mother was 3. My paternal grandfather is still very much alive but wasn’t a part of our lives for a long time. I remember sitting on his lap as a child, and him telling me silly little stories. Fast forward twenty something years and it’s as if we’re total strangers. It’s rather awkward when we see each other. He reaches out to shake my hand, I lean forward to kiss him on the cheek. Neither of us really knows our place in each other’s lives, I suppose. When I see him, I want to cry. He looks so much like my father. When my father was nearing the end in his battle with cancer, he aged quite a bit. I see him in my grandfather, in his profile, in his demeanor. I want to pretend that it is my dad in front of me, not my grandfather. Last night, we attended a family member’s wake. I know only too well what it’s like to mourn the death of your father. The pain and grief haunt you forever. This family member said “it comes in waves, and it hits you hard.” It is exactly what happens and as time passes, it does not get easier. I sat behind my grandfather and choked up as I saw his profile when he turned his face, it’s almost haunting.
I had a conversation with my father’s uncle, my grandfather’s brother. It was so nice to hear him talk about my dad, to tell me a little something about him and his accomplishments. He said “he was like my father, determined, strong physically and mentally.” I hang on to every word about him almost greedily. This is all I have left of him, memories and stories from those who were close to him.
Many times he asked me to watch Chariots of Fire, I always said, “okay sure, I’ll get it.” I then forgot about it. Recently, I decided to rent it and can’t find it anywhere. I then remembered that it had been his favorite movie and I never did get to watch it and have a discussion with him about it. It is yet another regret I have of something I could have done with my dad but didn’t.
My father was a strong man who often told me that you can beat the pain at its own game; it’s all about mind over matter. He said that whenever naysayers crossed our paths, to send them to hell. To never care about what others thought and do things for yourself. It is my father’s wisdom that will guide me as I run my first marathon. I may not be fast and I may finish last but I will cross that finish line, because that is MY goal.
chnkeemnkee 