In just a couple of weeks I will be on an airplane headed to my favorite place. There’s just something about standing stepping out of Laguardia that makes me feel as if some major weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I cannot wait to take a stroll where the streets have no name.
Sigh, I’m as low maintenance as the get. Seriously, I’m very much a minimalist. It’s not often I wear make-up or go on major shopping sprees or get a manicure, etc. Call me au naturel.
My mother is the total opposite, her hair has to be fixed (no ponytails), clothes ironed, make-up immaculate before she leaves the house, even if it’s to go to the gas station. I think this is why I’m so different from her in that respect. When I was little, she used to chase me around with a can of hairspray in one hand, a blush brush in the other and dress me in those damn mexican pinata dresses.
My daughter on the other hand, she is a piece of work. Her baseball coach yelled at her yesterday “NO JEWELRY AND CUT YOUR NAILS!” Then he told her as she stood at the pitcher’s mound “DEFENSE, this isn’t a fashion show!” Poor girl, she just gave him this squinty glare before rolling her eyes, tossing her ponytail backward and catching the ball effortlessly. When he was testing their running ability, as she glided around the bases, all he could do was say “wow.” She’s ALL legs, slender, and is the fastest runner on the team. So she’s a little girlie, whaddya gonna do?
They’re all around but you won’t see them until you’re ready to accept reality.
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I heard a song today, one I haven’t heard in 4 years, around this time. It’s called “Should’ve Never” by Jennifer Lopez. It goes something like this:
No one else can know
Of the things that we’ve been saying on the telephone
It would be so bad
If they ever knew that me and you
Were secretly into each other
I had sudden recall, of another time and place. We were getting in my friend’s car and this song came on. My other friend started squealing and singing along, exclaiming what a great song it was. I listened to the words and wondered who she thought of as she sang it, she had a boyfriend and usually we relate to the songs we remember. Little did I know she was thinking of my husband at the time.
I didn’t give it any more thought. Fast forward two weeks. We’re at the bar she bartends at and she’s serving my husband at the time beers without him asking.
I thought it a little weird that she was so attentive but again, I thought nothing of it. My closest friends dragged me in the bathroom and told me something was fishy. I waved them off. That night, she stayed over because we had come home late. She woke up and made us breakfast.
Fast forward a week.
I’m packing my husband’s shit after I put my four year old daughter and three year old son to bed. My heart has been shattered. I can’t breathe but I can’t decompensate. As long as I’m moving, acting, doing, it’ll all be okay. He begs to stay.
I confronted both but neither admitted it. I locked myself and the bitch in my hallway and demanded she be a woman, look me in the eyes, and admit that she fucked my husband. She denied it. I told her I could kill her but she wasn’t worth my anger or hatred and walked away. It took every ounce of courage I had to do that. I made her pick him and his shit up. Funny, I threw everything in black garbage bags, similar to the ones he had brought his stuff in when we first moved in together 7 years before.
When he left, he looked at me with this lost look in his eyes. It was the day he ceased to be a part of our family, one he helped create. I told him he was forgiven but it was over for ever and that he would be back.
Sure enough, he came back, he still tries. The first time, I got my revenge. He came to my house drunk and in her car. I called her while he was asleep on my couch and made her believe we had slept together. She cried and asked why I was doing that to her, hurting her. The audacity. I laughed and asked her how it felt. They had a year long relationship that I tolerated and he flaunted every chance he had. I never ever lost my cool, nor my dignity. I took it, like a woman. I held my head high every time she came with him for the kids. Who knows where she is now or what she’s doing. As for him, he’s alone.
When it’s over, it’s over. It feels good to reflect on where I am now compared to then. When you live a life of goodness, you reap your rewards.
chnkeemnkee 